Tuesday, July 19, 2011

And here we go again...

This isn't the first time I've started this. So many thoughts while watching exercise/health infomercials late at night and swearing to myself that tomorrow will be the day. In the morning, if I have recalled my promise to myself the night before, I quickly disregard it. It's not like I made a promise to anyone anyhow, right?
It's taken me a long time to realize the fault in the above mindset and I admit that I still struggle with it. I'm well aware that I am a person and my thoughts matter, but for some reason I never respected myself enough to do anything about it. Negative self-talk has been my mantra for so long that it's really no wonder that I have declined the way that I have. It's difficult to remember when I've been happy, always trying to fill a void with some sort of outward influence. Doing my best to ignore the self-loathing and occupy myself in other ways.

I recently lost my sister to a 6 year long battle with cancer. She always made sure to let me know how much she loved me regardless of what an asshole I was, and how often she disagreed with decisions that I made. She did her best to help me believe I was worth so much more than I give myself credit for. She fought so hard to keep living, suffering through surgeries and procedures to try to squeeze one more year, one more month, one more week out of life. I have done everything I can to remain invisible and have ceased to really live as a result.

I feel a responsibility to her and myself to try to be the person she believed I could be, some attempt at harnessing her will to live and making it my own, letting her live with and through me. Realizing that I will never hear the same encouragement in person, her words have become my new mantra and I hear her every single day repeating them to me.